The Government is Your Mother Day

In honor of the largest and most beneficent mother I hereby declare this to be:

 ‘The Government is Your Mother Day’.

Yes, after all why waste time professing and giving ecstatic babbalia over mere human mothers when the goddess of all motherhood is among us and rises above them all. Here she is then, the mother who bears us on her knees, disciplines us, encourages, teaches, and protects her own. She who excels in all beauty, profusion of gifts, and bearer of all baubles delightful deserves, yea demands, the highest of all honors among which is her own day to be glorified and publicly hailed as the chiefest of mothers on mortal earth. 

 Where were you when the foundations of the earth were laid? Have you seen the storehouses of the hail?  – Oh but I digress. Remember then her transcending benefits as they array about you.

 You, birth mothers, who wish to suckle your young, have you signed up for WIC? Why trust in the providential gift, the milk most natural, when you can surfeit the child with the government financed mother’s formula? That chemical soup so superior it arrives by the truck-load in government tenements nationwide. Yum – and with breasts and soul both dry you may trudge ever more faithfully to your government sponsored job at the welfare office or the county clinic. There you may service the panting hordes and report those who whacked their progeny’s bottoms or allowed old mama to apply her shoes to the wrong feet. Straighten them out she will, our government mom. A special day of national devotion cannot express our full worship.

 And you, college students, with eyes a-gleam, eager to expand your horizons, dream the impossible dream, and prepare to go where no man has gone before: have you obtained your government grants and loans? The school certainly did. Your professors have drunk heavily of the nectar of government largess for years. The whole system rests solidly on piles of dollars dragged from the wallets of the sheepening masses. Who can deny the urgency of these profligate spendthrifts? Who can debunk the buckets of government financed hooey flowing in endless streams from their hired mouths? Did you catch it in your notes? Did you become the one they bribed you to be? Good then. Rejoice for mother now has her day! The government is your mother.

 We could go on of course to mention public union employees, the military industry, oldsters of every sort, and soon the Obama Care recipients; all of us really. We all owe our security and health to the big mommy in Washington do we not? Men – why be  manly providers when we can be sissy beggars? We know the good booty. It all flows from our mother in heaven – er – our mother in Washington. Yes, she deserves her day and I hereby do solemnly declare it to be:

 ‘The Government is Your Mother Day’

 Remember to send a box of chocolates.

 For Christian Culture,

 Don Schanzenbach   5-8-11