Santa Sleds Off Fiscal Cliff

Reporting From Gnome Alaska

In what may be a disturbing report, Mission to Restore America researchers have uncovered a previously frozen, block-buster story of the most famous resident residing north of the Yukon, Chris Kringle, AKA Santa Claus, occasionally also using the alias St. Nick.

Normally sheltered from public scrutiny, Mr. Claus has recently been discovered to be in some very serious financial struggles. While unsuspecting children around the world are trusting in his munificent deliveries, insiders are predicting a long sleigh ride ahead for the financially troubled Santa. With the FBI capturing every e-mail, and the NSA storing each nugget of information on earth, it is becoming more difficult for even the furthest-bound recluse to escape the unwanted spotlight of public attention.

His problems seem to have begun, when now organized elves, began to demand higher wages and over-time pay during the winter months. Being a naturally generous sort, Santa agreed to their terms. A lockout was considered but the Clauses did not have the heart to shove those helpless elves out into the -70 degree temperatures. Elfin shoes may be cute but they hardly compare to real snowpacks when it comes to sub-zero survival. Santa could not bear the thought of all their bitty-little feet freezing.

Besides the increases in wages, Santa has had to deal with a flurry of new Federal and international regulations. For instance, his new line of Christmas trees has run into a log-jam. Fire regulations have put a stop to bringing the highly flammable trees down chimney flues, tho nary a fire had ever been attributed to Santa’s deliveries. A new fake asbestos tree, made with friable fibers, is said to be in development. The new asbestos trees could be foofed down the chimney in dust form and magically re-assembled inside the house. Approval for that product is delayed by Federal health regulators who insist no magic strong enough to pick up every molecule of asbestos and make it into a Christmas tree, exists. Santa is reported to have sneered that the feds only believe in magic when it comes to creating trillions of dollars out of nothing, and that they have zero knowledge of Christmas magic.

The UN Treaty on Children now applies to elves, though Santa Land seems to have no organized boundaries and has not been officially recognized by the general council. One interesting note is that Santa’s address of The North Pole is now in question. It has been observed that when explorers finally arrived at the precise compass coordinates, they discovered only ice and water, no land. Hence, there never could have been a north pole since there was no place to set one up. Given the drifting of the ice pack, it becomes nearly impossible to keep track of where Santa actually is at any one time. This explains how he maintained his hermited life-style for so long. It gives us pause when we think about all those virile adventurers sledging through ice, and danger of crevasse, searching for a north pole that, obviously now, was never there. It is much like the Spanish searching for the city of gold. Sometimes science ends up informing in ways we never thought possible. Meanwhile, Santa is preparing to defend his territory. Tiny tanks are deployed to defend the borders and major roadways.

With his headaches snowballing, Santa faces unprecedented fiscal pressures. The heartless Grinch, Northpole’s ruthless banker, is threatening foreclosures and seizure of delinquent properties. Some production lines have been idled for months. ElfinUnion-32 is in a nasty internecine fight with the Ice Packer’s Union Brotherhood. 18,500 jobs are on the line and nobody is willing to give in. There may not be so much as a Twinkie to fill those socks on Christmas Eve. Santa Enterprise’s investment in derivatives of Greek bonds reduced his portfolio value to less than zero, and his hedge fund securities have become an unfunded liability. Struggling to make payroll, and strapped for liquid assets, Santa is hoping those gold coins in the Salvation Army buckets this year will go to him. Cold cash from a Christmas stimulus package may be required, since Santa (as we all remember) is too big to fail.

Elfin wives have also gotten in the mix, demanding equal pay for equal work. With Ms. Clause joining their cause (such rhymes drop our jaws), they have an unbeatable mix of shrill demands and marital pressure. These ladies dream of the day when the sleigh will be driven by a woman. This would mark the first female ever, praying to be fatter. For now, Santa is not giving up his seat.

With global warming threatening his ice cream treats, and PETA releasing his experimental reindeer at night, Santa was barely able to keep his Ho, Ho, Ho audible. Inflation, normally reserved for vinyl cartoon characters, has sucked away Santa’s investments, reducing leverage with his creditors. With loopholes closing, the IRS is sending Dear Santa letters of a more ominous nature. The freezing of his accounts appears imminent.

In the midst of this storm however, Santa is praying for lots of snow. Ever since reading in one of his favorite references (Job 38:22), that the Lord controls the storehouses of snow, he has been walking by faith, and worrying less. The church community is encouraging his new-found faith commitment. Church leaders are arguing about dunking or sprinkling. Baptists would have to wait till spring, but Calvinists can sprinkle at any season. This may explain why Presbyterians always did better in the arctic regions.

Fortunately, the angel announcement of the Savior has not been compromised. The offer of salvation of the soul by grace through faith moves forward through time. Peace on earth and good will toward men still resounds to those who will hear. The blessed season arrives intact. For that we are mightily thankful, mightily thankful.

For Christian Culture,

Don Schanzenbach